Dragon's Fire and Hobbit's Wrath
by Eleanor Damaschke
Summary: "I'm married?" AU. Fem!Bilbo (Billa) and Thorin. Drama ensues. Don't take this too seriously. Inspired by leupagus' amazing story, "Erebor and Weeds," found on Archive Of Our Own.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm married?!" Billa gaped at Kili, who fidgeted nervously with the metal bead at the end of one of his small braids. Life in the mountain had suited him well, and he looked better-groomed now than she'd ever seen him. But right now, how well-groomed her friend was had no place in her mind. Her brain was too overloaded with Kili's latest joke. At least, she hoped it was a joke.

"Well, it was..." Kili continued to fidget. "We thought it was pretty obvious..."

"Obvious?" she exploded, not sure whether to be furious or overcome. "You're kidding, right? This is a joke. Ha ha, very funny." Billa paused, looking at Kili expectantly. When he didn't meet her eyes, anxiety won out over the maelstrom of other emotions threatening to swamp her. "What in the name of all things good is going on?"

"The coronation," Kili admitted, "wasn't just a coronation. You know, I thought you'd be happy about this." Bofur entered the room with a tray that had Billa's customary lunch on it, but he hesitated when he saw the furious hobbit.

"Maybe I should come back later," he mumbled.

"No! You stop right there!" Billa rounded on him, pointing a finger savagely into his face. "Did you know about this?"

"Know about what-?"

"_This_!" she insisted angrily, gesturing at the coronation dress that hung in the corner. "All of this! If you knew, I swear I'm going to-"

"Billa!" Kili wrapped his arms around the female and actually picked her up, fearing for his friend's welfare. Bofur nearly dropped the tray.

"No ma'am! I mean yes! Well, I sort of knew, but I swear, I had nothing to do with it, ma'am."

"Don't you 'ma'am' me!" Billa struggled against Kili's arms, but was reminded of how strong he was as he squeezed the air out of her lungs. Eventually she had to stop fighting so she could breathe, and slowly, Kili set her down. A faint scuffling out in the hall heralded the approach of another dwarf, and Fili stumbled into the room. Billa could only assume he'd been pushed. Bofur took this opportunity to flee, escaping and leaving the lunch tray behind.

Billa sat down trembling slightly from a combination of exertion and emotional tension. Kili handed her a mug of ale and glanced at his brother. Fili shifted nervously and looked anywhere but at Billa, who was breathing in a very determined rhythm.

"One of you had better start explaining. You have five minutes before I go find Thorin myself." The brothers exchanged an anxious glance.

"I'm not sure that'd be wise, ma'am," muttered Fili. Billa stood up and threw the mug at him. The ale splashed over both dwarves and the clay mug, after bouncing off Fili's shoulder, shattered against the wall.

"Not you too!" she barked, and Kili was startled to see tears in her eyes. "What's with all the ma'aming and honorifics all of a sudden? Someone _tell me_ what's going on!"

"Well, you see-" Fili was interrupted when the door burst open, slamming into his back and sending him face-first into his brother. Both dwarves yelped as they fell, sprawling on the stone floor as Thorin froze in the doorway, staring at Billa.

"_YOU!_" Billa stood up, furious tears streaking her face now. "How _dare_ you-!" Thorin flinched, his face a mask of bewilderment.

"Billa? I-"

"Don't you 'Billa' me!" she yelled, gesticulating wildly. "You knew what was going on! You _knew_ and thrice damned if you didn't even _think_ to warn me first! Throwing me into this head-first- I suppose that's your idea of a marvelous joke, isn't it? Never asked, never even considered whether or not I _wanted_ this! You could have at least asked, you great lump of a dwarf! It would serve you right if I _did_ go back to the Shire, after all you put me through, dragging me off on your idiotic quest, endangering my life, nearly getting me eaten who knows how many times- all for your stupid mountain!"

Thorin blinked, seeming rather overwhelmed by this tidal wave of anger. Usually the hobbit was so quiet and peaceful. Even when she was irritated, she hardly made more than a passing insult at any of them. This new, outraged Billa was a stranger to him.

"I _did_ ask," he began, bringing his hands up as though to defend himself. Billa marched up to him, angling her face upward so she could glare at him properly. The seven inches' difference in their height really showed at times like these, and Thorin found himself leaning away from her slightly. As short as she was, her fury made him want to retreat. Quickly.

"When?"

"Yesterday," Fili interjected, sitting up and promptly toppling as his brother pushed him off.

"During the ceremony," offered Kili helpfully.

"It was very moving," pointed out Fili with a hopeful smile.

"And everyone cheered when you said yes." Kili nudged his brother.

"Yeah. It was very-"

"I did not!" Billa turned to glare at the pair of them.

"Well, it was more of a nod," amended Kili quickly.

"A silent yes," agreed Fili. Billa turned to glare at Thorin.

"And what _language_ did you ask me in, pray tell?" she hissed. Thorin shifted, looking guilty now.

"I thought you understood," he mumbled sheepishly, avoiding her gaze.

A tense silence descended on the room. Billa didn't move for what felt like a long time. At last, she turned her back on him and made her way to the bed. Jerking her bag out from under the mattress, she started to stuff it full of her belongings. Thorin watched in horror as the bag filled with clothes, blankets, and her lunch. Without a word, she shouldered the bag and, with one last furious glare, brushed past him. Bofur, Balin, Ori, and Gloin, huddled in the hallway to listen, fell away from the door as Billa brushed past them. Kili emerged first to watch her disappear down the hall, noting how strangely silent she was, even when she was stalking angrily across the bare stone. And then... she was gone.

As one, the dwarves turned to look at their leader in silence. Thorin stood still, looking at the place Billa had stood moments before. His face was a stony mask, but Fili could see the pain and confusion in his uncle's posture.

"Should we stop her?" Bofur asked hesitantly.

"No." Thorin's voice was harsh in the quiet room. "If she wants to leave, that's her choice."


	2. Chapter 2

The room seemed cold without the hobbit. Fili and Kili sat together on her bed as the others left, following Thorin's example. Their uncle, ever a dwarf of business, had shaken off the loss as though it hadn't happened and gone about his routine. They knew, though. They knew that he was hurting in a deep, dark place from Billa's scathing words.

"Our mountain isn't stupid," muttered Fili, kicking a shard of the mug toward the wall.

"Of course it isn't, Brother."

"She didn't have to say those things."

"No, she didn't."

"But why?" Fili turned to look at his brother, confusion on his homely face. "Why was she so mad? Everyone knows they're practically sanâzyung anyway." There was a pensive silence between the two of them as they thought about that.

"You know… we could always… ask her." Kili glanced at Fili, who looked impressed by the suggestion.

"You'd do that? I mean… after she nearly bit Uncle Thorin's head off just now?"

"Sure. She's not mad at _us_. Right?" Kili grinned at his brother, who looked a little less certain.

"Well… I guess…" Fili shifted, glancing at the half-open door. Billa was usually fun to tease, but what he saw just a minute ago- that was downright scary.

"Oh, come on!" Kili grabbed Fili's hand and dragged him off. There was a problem though… they weren't sure where Billa was anymore.

The hobbit, meanwhile, was making her way through the streets of Dale, grumbling to herself. Men and women, busy rebuilding their ancestral home, called cheerful greetings to the little female, some even pausing in their work to bow deeply to her. Really, that didn't help her temper at all. A young boy, face glowing with excitement, bounded out in front of her and started to march along at a brisk pace.

"Make way!" he yelled, brandishing a spade as though it were a warrior's spear. "Make way for the Queen Under the Mountain!" Billa felt her face heat up as blood rushed to her cheeks. Being reminded of her own ignorance was _not_ what she wanted.

"Leave me alone!" she barked, shouldering past the child. The boy stumbled a little, looking hurt and confused. Billa didn't look at him, but felt guilt like needles stabbing at her conscience. The boy had done no wrong. She really didn't have any right to treat him that way. She stopped in the road with a sigh, and turned back just in time to see the boy with head bowed, moving off to the side. He was clearly too small to be helping with the rebuilding, though he was taller than she was. Billa moved toward him and touched the boy's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, lad," she murmured. "I shouldn't have pushed you so. Do you think… you could help me?" The boy's eyes lit up with excitement.

"Help you? How, your Majesty?"

"Just Billa, thank you," she corrected with a wince. "I'm looking for a quiet place, away from other folk. Do you know a place like that?" The boy grinned.

"No, but I know someone who would." He looked far too happy to turn down now. Billa decided that it wouldn't hurt to humor him for a while. Give Thorin a chance to come find her and apologize for this mess.

Fili and Kili stopped at the great front gate of Erebor, looking down into the town of Dale. They'd searched every nook and cranny- well, maybe not _every_ nook and cranny, but all the ones that Billa liked to hide in.

"You don't think she actually left us, do you?" Fili's voice was filled with confusion. Why would their burglar just leave like that? It wasn't like they'd done anything _wrong._ And without even saying goodbye!

"If she did, then we'll just have to bring her back." Kili's tone was unusually serious as he glanced at his brother.

"But Thorin said-"

"I don't care what he said. He's an idiot when it comes to Billa and you know it. Do you want him to live his life as King Under the Mountain without his Queen?"

"Well… no. But Billa said-"

"I don't care what _she_ said either." Kili frowned stubbornly. "You know she loves him. She's just mad. That's all." Bracing themselves for whatever they might find, the two brothers nodded to one another and set off. Billa needed to be found, or there would be no end to Thorin's brooding.


	3. Chapter 3

Billa perched amid the rubble on the shelf that had been their original entry point to the Lonely Mountain. Though the dwarves had been working hard over the past several weeks to repair the damage Smaug had dealt to the halls of Erebor, the interior was a higher priority, and there was a lot to repair. The Hall of Kings (the floor of which was now impressively coated with gold) had been the first to be restored to its former (and now improved) glory. That was where the coronation ceremony had been held. Billa scowled into her knees and drew her legs a littler tighter against her chest. Stupid ceremony. Stupid mountain. Stupid Thorin.

"If he'd just asked," she grumped, shifting on the hard rocks. Her voice dropped to a whisper as she finished the sentence, as though afraid someone would hear. "I would have said yes." The quiet that fell around her was broken by birdcalls and the shouts of the men of Dale as they celebrated the closing of the workday. It was curious, Billa thought as she looked down into the valley below, how the Men and Dwarves both had such different ways to celebrate. The men shouted and laughed and danced, lighting fires and drinking ale. The dwarves pretended to have very stately ceremonies and paused often to pose majestically for the audience, while in reality, the real celebrations were loud, messy feasts and copious amounts of alcohol. Drinking games, coarse jokes, and, on occasion, braiding circles.

Billa smiled at the memory. She'd laughed the first time she'd caught Fili, Kili, and Thorin engaged in braiding one another's hair. Fili's beard was starting to fill out and he was very proud of it, though Kili was the one that braided it for him. Kili's scruff marked him as a youngster, and Thorin… Billa had never been sure about why Thorin didn't grow a full beard like the others. She thought it might have had something to do with holding on to the past. Her fingers traveled up to the three short braids behind her left ear. There were heavy silver beads at the ends, and she could feel them if she moved her head… but they'd been there for over two weeks now, and she hardly noticed them anymore. Thorin's beads, Kili had told her, though he hadn't explained why Thorin was letting her use them.

"Billa!"

The hobbit's thoughts were interrupted by a lonely cry from below. She was startled to see that it was nearly dark, though it had been only a little past midday when she stormed out the front gates.

"Billa Baggins!"

"That's not her name anymore, idiot." Fili's scornful tone was followed by a soft thumping sound, as though he'd hit his brother. Kili yelped.

"Well she's not likely to answer to 'Your Majesty,' now is she?" he retorted, and Billa could imagine he was rubbing his arm and frowning at Fili. She smothered a laugh.

"You don't think she's up there, do you?"

"I'm not climbing that in the dark."

"But if she _is_ up there, she'll have to climb _down_ in the dark, won't she?"

"Good point. But what if she doesn't want to come down?"

"I don't know." There was a short pause, then a much louder yell, as though they thought she couldn't hear them- "Billa! Are you up there?"

She hesitated for a moment, considering how to reply. If she didn't, she'd be spending the night up here, and that wasn't a pleasant thought. There wasn't nearly the force behind her anger that there had been, now it was more of a quiet disappointment.

"I'm up here," she called down at length.

It was quite a job, getting down the rough slope to the valley floor. Kili insisted on carrying her bag, Fili held her elbow, and together they marched back into Erebor. She didn't realize that they weren't taking her to her own chambers until they pushed her through the door and Thorin was standing pensively in the corner.

He turned to look at the door, and when he saw her, he froze. Thorin's face was as unreadable as the stone walls that surrounded him, but Billa could tell by the way his hands shifted from being clasped behind him, to being clasped in front, that he was preparing to be diplomatic. She frowned slightly, but reminded herself of the five seconds rule and held her tongue.

"Miss Ba-… Billa." Thorin shifted slightly, spreading his feet and taking a defensive stance.

"You're not helping yourself." Billa's tone was testy, but she was trying very hard to control herself.

"What?" Thorin's eyes widened slightly and the halfling scowled at him.

"Stop and look at yourself, Thorin. You look like you're about to talk to that incorrigible ambassador from the Blue Mountains again. I'm not going to attack you- for goodness' sake, just relax." She saw him hesitate for a moment, thinking about his words before saying them. In a way, she respected him for it, and on the other hand, it irritated her to no end.

"I _am_ relaxed," he said at last. Billa grunted her frustration to no one in particular and lunged across the space between them. Thorin stopped her with firm gesture, and Billa stumbled back a step, winded.

"If you were relaxed, you wouldn't have your guard up," she snarled. "It's been like this for days, Thorin! You avoid me, you don't look at me, you hardly speak to me- no one bothers to mention that we're getting _married_?! Honestly, Thorin, did you think through this at all?"

Something in the dwarf seemed to change. Until now, she'd not really noticed, but as he lowered his eyebrows and glowered at her, Billa realized that it had been months since Thorin had spoken to her in anything but a very gentle tone.

_Ooh... I just made him mad..._

Thorin advanced a step and for a moment, Billa was afraid. He towered over her. Seven inches. Seven whole inches, and it really showed. His chest was deep and his shoulders broad, his arms thick with muscle and right now, she could see the tendons in his neck standing out, since his hair was pulled back into neat, dark braids that she thought looked rather fetching on him.

"Yes, Billa Baggins, actually, I did. I thought about it very hard, and for a very long time." He took another step forward and Billa retreated, her knees shaking slightly. He wasn't done. "I have cared deeply for you and protected you for a very long time. When we finally took back the mountain I thought you would be happy, but all you talked about was going back to your precious Shire. If it weren't for Balin and Dwalin, I would have let you walk out of my life forever- and I never would have been able to live with myself. I made sure it was all done right, all traditional and proper, and you can't stop having your little fit long enough to appreciate all I've done for you!"

Billa felt the tears collecting in her eyes and mustered the strength for one strong statement before they started to fall. She had meant to say something about his "tradition" and how "proper" it was to marry someone without asking first, but what actually came out was- "I'm not having a fit, I'm having a baby!"


	4. Chapter 4

Thorin froze. His eyes threatened to bulge out of his face as his mouth hung partially open. Some small noises emerged from his throat, but no words. Billa closed her eyes, the tears overflowing as she grimaced.

"You know what," she said, voice shaking slightly, "why don't you… think about that for a while? You're good at that."

"But- when? How?" Thorin was too stunned to process the information completely. Billa lifted a finger.

"No. You… think. I'm going to… sit in that corner and try not to die of shame."

The silence that fell over the room was thicker than stone and harder to break. Thorin settled into pacing from the door to the bed and back again. Occasionally, he glanced at the huddled form of Billa. He would wait until she was done crying. He could do her that courtesy at least. In the meantime, his brain was overloaded. A baby? Billa was pregnant? By whom? For how long? When had she found out, and why in the world hadn't she told him? Was it one of the others? Kili? Fili? No, that was ridiculous. Gloin? Even more ridiculous. Certainly not Gandalf. Thorin ran through all the times in the past few weeks they'd been separated.

_Better make that months._ He slanted a nervous glance at her, curled up in the corner. _No telling how long she's been hiding this._ Goblins. Gollum. Orcs. Wargs. Battle. Thorin stopped his pacing and his blood ran cold at the thought. When they'd fought before the Battle of the Five Armies, he'd sent her away, but later, Balin said she'd been found on the battlefield. What if… no, they wouldn't. Would they? It could have been anyone. That thought was pure anguish, and he twisted to face Billa.

"Whose is it?" he asked, his voice harsher than he'd intended it to be. The hobbit's curly auburn head popped up off her knees and Thorin was oddly relieved by the offended look on her face.

"Yours. Who else do you think- Thorin, are you seriously implying that I would-?" She was moving toward him, her expression dark with fury, but Thorin met her halfway, trapping her against his chest and holding her tightly.

"Thank Durin," he whispered into her hair. Billa was stiff with confusion.

"Thorin, what are you- are you alright?"

"I thought… and you… but you're not." His grip on her tightened momentarily, then he pulled away, holding her at arm's length as he inspected her face. "When?" There was a slight pause as she looked back at him, her brown eyes bewildered, but softening as the anger left her.

"Laketown."

"Ah. When we-"

"Agreed never to speak of it again," she interrupted warningly, then sighed. "Yeah. Then."

The door burst open and Fili and Kili fell through the opening, expressions of rapture on their young faces. Billa lurched into Thorin's chest with a faint squeak. She'd been under the impression that they were alone. Kili hit them first, making Thorin stagger. Fili was next, bowling them over as the younger dwarves hugged them very tightly.

"Baby cousin!" yelled Kili ecstatically.

"So you're staying, right, Billa?" Fili grinned at her. "You can't take the heir to the Carven Throne all the way to the Shire!"

Billa dissolved into helpless laughter and tried to hide her tears in Thorin's fur. It was as soft and warm as she'd always imagined it was, and now it was hers. And so was the dwarf wearing it.

"I suppose I'll have to. I doubt your uncle would let me travel alone now anyway." Thorin's arm tightened around her and she sighed, deciding that she could deal with the whole 'secret marriage' bit later. For now, everything was right with the world.

**The End**


End file.
